KEEPING UP WITH THE JONESIES.
I needed some help around the house, so I hired Jonesy. He seemed like a nice guy, ready and willing to help. He didn’t cost too much, and he was handy with lots of stuff.
“I’m your servant, boss!” he’d say. “I’m working for you!”
One day he showed up with his son, Jonesy Junior. “Two can work better than one, Boss,” he said “It won’t cost but a tad more and you deserve the best!” Jonesy Junior went to work.
A couple of months later, Jonesy came by and wanted a raise, both for himself and Jonesy Jr. “We need to get paid more, but it’s worth it because we’re working for you!”
So I gave Jonesy and Jonesy Jr. the raise. After a while they both came back and said they were contracting out to Jonesy 3. And they needed a raise to cover it.
“I don’t know…”I said. “It’s getting expensive.
“You deserve the best!” said Jonesy. “We’re working for you. It costs money to have the best; we have your best interests at heart.” So he hired Jonesy 3. He wasn’t as good a worker, so I told him to scram. Jonesy Jr. came up and shook his head.
“Sorry, Boss.” He said. “We’ve organized—local 1 of the International Brotherhood of Jonesies. We’re now in contract negotiations, so you can’t fire anyone.”
“But it’s my house,” I said. “I thought you worked for me!”
“Talk to our lawyer from the National Office.” There stood a guy in a suit, He handed us papers.
“And don’t try to use replacement workers,” said the attorney. “That includes your wife.”
“It’s our workplace, now, and we’re occupying it,” said Jonesy 3, who sat in front of the refrigerator, while Jonesy himself blocked the TV.
“Sign the contract,” said the lawyer. So we did.
“It’s all for the best, Boss!” said Jonesy. “After all, we’re working for you!”
A while later, Jonesy Jr,--the new Union Rep—came and said he needed new tools. “We can’t do our best for you unless we have the best. And we need the spare bedroom for our union office.”
“Why isn’t anyone mowing the lawn?”
“Because I’m doing union work, which I’m allowed by contract to do on company time.”
“I’m paying you to cost me more money?” I asked.
“By the way, we’re switching our health insurance to JonesyCare. Make the checks out to them.
It’ll save you money, just take my word for it, Boss! It’s all for the kids! We’re working for you!”
At the end of the month I sat down and did the math. Times were tough at work, and I’d taken a pay cut as well as benefit reductions. We’d be doing okay, except for the Jonesies. They were getting more and more compensation, while I had to support them on less income! So I called a meeting.
“Glad we’re talking, Boss,” said Jonesy Jr. “Our salary schedules say it’s time for raises.”
“I can’t afford this,” I said. “My income is lower, but I have to support you guys getting raises. My own family’s benefits are lower than yours, even though you work for me.”
“As spokesman for the welfare of your family, I say it’s a bad move. Raise your revenue.”
“I can’t. But the contract says I can lay you off.”
“Let’s vote!” said the Jonesies. “We’re members of the household, so we vote too!”
“Everybody else is at work or at school,” I yelled. “Shouldn’t we vote when everyone’s here?”
“We call the election date. So you’re voted down! A victory for the people!!” said Jonesy 3. ”Besides, give us trouble and we’ll go on strike and shut you down.”
“No indeed!” I laughed. “It’s illegal for you to strike. The law says so!”
All three Jonesies laughed back. “What’s law? Only what a judge says it is. Right Judge?”
“Yup,” said a guy in a black robe, helping himself to my fridge.
“Meet Jonesy 4. He went to law school. You paid for it!”
“I can’t afford all this,” I said. “You guys have bankrupted me.”
“Look on the bright side,” said Jonesy. “We’re your servants. We’re working for you!”
