CHOOSING THE POOP
Okay, so we knew the ship was sinking and we had to fix the problem or go under. We’d tried moving stuff around, painting the smokestack, and making lots of speeches about how bad it would be to sink. The water kept rising anyhow. So we elected a new captain, who called us all on deck.
“We can’t stop sinking until we patch the holes, and we have to stop sinking to patch them.”
“Hurrah!” we cheered. This made sense. “Where’s yer tie!” yelled someone.
“So,” the Captain continued, “we have to lighten the load to stop sinking. Since we’re all in this together, and are going to benefit if the ship doesn’t sink, and will be correspondingly inconvenienced if it does, we must all share in the shared sacrifice by throwing excess baggage overboard..”
So Everybody Line Up...
So I set up a table next to the ship’s rail. The water was disturbingly close. A line of people formed, with all their luggage. First came a nice couple, modestly dressed.
“We’re happy to sacrifice to keep our ship afloat!” they said. I said thank you, and tossed their bags over. Next came the officers. “If we gotta, I suppose we gotta,” some grumbled.
“You gotta,” I said, and SPLASH! Their bags went over.
It's Not Fair!!
Next came an elderly couple. “This isn’t fair!” they said. “Young man, our tickets specifically said ‘no throwing baggage overboard.’”
“I know,” I said. “But that was before we were sinking.”
“This isn’t fair, young man,” said the lady. “Naturally we believe in shared sacrifice, and we’re eager to do our part. But this is more sacrifice than is fair, we’ve worked all our lives for this baggage. So why don’t you just let us go stand over there on the Poop Deck while everyone else shares the sacrifice.”
I thought it over, and then nodded. The nice old couple walked over to the Poop Deck. Next were some nice social worker ladies.
Natuarally We Believe In Shared Sacrifice...
“Naturally we believe in shared sacrifice, but since we share our stuff already with the poor and the unfortunate, throwing our baggage overboard hurts the afore-mentioned poor unfortunates. Can’t we just stand over there on the Poop Deck while everyone else shares sacrificingly? No one will miss us.”
I didn’t want to hurt the poor, so I said yes. The nice social worker ladies walked away.
Just Not Us.
Next came a nice family from our largest city. I looked at them. “Didn’t there used to be twice as many of you?”
“Yes,” they said, “we are but half our former numbers, which is why our needs are greater. We should not only stand over there instead of sacrificing, but should receive half of everyone else’s luggage as well.” I nodded. They went to the Poop Deck. Next came some nice school officials.
Define "Excess."
“Of course we believe in shared sacrifice! However, your orders said ‘excess’ baggage. Our baggage is crucial, and hence cannot credibly be called excess. Let others sacrifice sharingly. We merely want to stand over there on the Poop Deck, along with all our luggage.”
“But you have more luggage than anyone!” I said.
“It’s not our luggage,” they said. “We’re just holding it for them.” They pointed and behind them stood some nice teachers. They shouted and chanted. “Leave our luggage alone or we’ll all run down and smash holes in the hull. For the kids.”
“That’s illegal!” I said. They jeered,
“Just try and find a Judge! Especially in Lansing.” They all tromped over to the Poop Deck. Next came the nice crew.
And Now The Crew Chooses!
“We work hard and deserve our money; we’ve already made sacrifices; and none of the problems are our fault. You can either let us go over and stand on the Poop Deck, or we’ll beat the heck out of you, and then go over and stand on the Poop Deck anyway. But if you agree, we’ll help you throw all the passengers’ luggage over.” To the Poop Deck they went.
I looked around. The ship was still sinking. The Captain leaned out from the bridge. “How’s it going? Has everybody chosen to sacrifice?” I turned back up. “Some have.”
“But a lot have just chosen poop.”
