GOING APE

  

              

“Psychologists once locked an ape in a room, for which they had arranged only four ways of escaping. Then they spied on him to see which of the four he would find.  The ape escaped a fifth way."    

Robert Heinlein, Tunnel in the Sky

 

                “You see the cage is cleverly constructed,” said my friend Doctor Bax. “Four ways out. Four solutions.  The experiment is perfect.”

                “Indeed,” I said, trying to sound smart.

 

                “The ape…we shall call him ‘Economy,’ is presented with a challenge. He must bear increasing burdens, and carry more and more citizens. We must find out the best solution so that he may carry increasing weight so that more and more citizens can be carried.”

                “This makes sense,” I agreed. “I’m not getting any younger.”

                Doctor Bax reached in his white lab coat, pulled out a notebook, and flipped through pages. “We must see which solution is optimal for Economy here, and then present it to the world.” He held up a finger.

 

                “Solution One:” he pointed to a door on the north side of the cage. “Higher taxes! A greater portion of Economy’s work product shall be appropriated to the common good.”

                “Solution Two!” He pointed to a door on the south side. “Greater regulation. We shall direct Economy in the proper way to produce, thereby achieving perfect output ratios.”

 

                “Who defines ‘perfection?’?”  I scratched my head.

                “Highly trained and disinterested experts,” the Doctor replied. “Plus responsible officials whose only concern is the common good.”

                 “Politicians and bureaucrats, as usual.”

                “Indeed yes! Who else?” said the Doctor. “Solution Three, the East door. Incentives! We take his work product and offer some of it back to him if he’ll do things the right way. Determined by…”

                “The usual bureaucrats, plus as many politicians as he can bribe, using still more work product.”

                “Precisely!” said Doctor Bax. “And Solution Four: the Chicago Way: calling him nasty names, beating him with a stick, and threatening to beat him more unless he bribes us with even more of his work product. And  if he does bribe us, we give him some other ape’s bananas as a treat.”

 

                “This sounds cruel,” I said. The Doctor shook his head.

                “It’s all standard Federal policy, at least in this Administration. And now,” Doctor Bax closed a curtain, and opened it again. “You see now, Economy is in the cage.” I looked. There was a big ape sitting there, looking around. He wore shackles on his wrists and weights on his legs. The Doctor pulled out his notebook and began to write. The ape didn’t move.

                “What’s up?” I asked. “Maybe he has no incentive to do anything.”

 

                “We can give him a disincentive to stay,” said the Doctor. “Let’s try some stimulus,” and he pressed a button. ZAP! Electric current ran through the floor, causing the ape to jump up.

                “So which do you think he’ll choose?” I asked. “Ten bucks on Door Four?”

                “Certainly not!” he looked offended. “Predetermined and preferred results aren’t ethical! This isn’t Climate Science.“ He shot another bolt of current through the floor.  “Clearly a case for more Stimulus.” ZAP! Economy still didn’t move. ZAP! Another shock, and the ape curled into a ball.

 

                “What if we do this?” I reached in, and pulled off the shackles. The ape smiled, pulled off the weights, then, grabbed the nearest bars, yanked them apart and leaped out of the cage. Pausing just long enough write in the Doctor’s notebook, Economy jumped out the window and ran off down the road, pulling a heavy cart loaded high with bananas.

                “The experiment is invalid,” Doctor Bax said. “He escaped a fifth way. No possible conclusions.”

                “I dunno,” I said. “What did he write?”

The Doctor picked up his book and shook his head, then handed it to me. I shrugged.

 

                “TRY FREEDOM.”

 

 

#                #                #                #