MOSS MESSAGE

Roof Policy

                Remember the roof? Last week’s Moss Message  talked about priorities. I need a new roof, which will cost money, so I have to budget carefully and prioritize. Turns out I’m wrong. Let’s start over.

                It was a nice warm day, when Robbie the Roofer gave me the bad news.

                “Bad news Mr. Moss. You need a new roof.”

                “How can this be?” I wailed. “You told me this was a 20 year roof when we installed it!”

                “I did,” he admitted. “In 1989.”

                So Robbie gave a price quote, which turned what’s left of my hair gray. That night I went down to the pub, had a couple beers, and told my troubles to a drunk next to me who turned out to be a Congressman. The next day I got a call from the President.

                “Thank you for opening our eyes to this national shame,” he said. “Watch my speech tonight.”

                That night the President spoke from the Oval Office, about me. “This case has opened my eyes to a national shame,” he said. “I hereby declare a new roof to a basic human right and pledge a National Roof Policy!” He talked for another three hours, so I switched to the hockey game.

                Next morning the papers carried his front page speech, along with the National Roof Policy Package. Everyone will be guaranteed a new roof from the government!  No more leaks! First off, there would be a new Department of Roofs, to implement the Roof Initiative.  The Department immediately hired 20,000 employees to immediately work on a definition of “roof,” who they recruited from the ranks of Unemployed College Grads With Useless Degrees whom they found at the Occupy Tenttown.

                With the Department up and running and semi-staffed, the President appointed a Roof Czar, whose job was to give TV interviews and make sure big contracts went to the President’s big donors. There was a special liaison office with the Federal Attorney General, to receive any complaints and make sure those who did complain got investigated.

                Meantime, the Department’s 20,000 employees, having come up with a four hundred page definition of ‘roof,’ now realized that they had to actually deliver a service. This they did, by creating the “American Roof Fund,” paid for by a tax assessment on all private contractors. There was also a special involuntary ‘volunteer surcharge’ to pay for a National Roof Corps to address underserved communities.

                “Remember that estimate I gave you in November,” Robbie called me. “Well, add another 10% to pay for my tax assessment.”

                “What!” I yelled.

                “Also, the Department of Roofs just issued a 1500 page book of regulations, and formed a Compliance Department paid by assessments. Add in another…” he clicked a calculator. “5%”

                “Yipe!” I said, and called the President. He was out, they said, lecturing Iran. So I ran down to the pub and found my friend the Congressman.

                “Price gouging,” he sputtered. “We’ll fix this!”

That night the President went on TV live from the Oval Office, to announce a Federal War on roof price gouging. “There will now be a government-approved schedule of appropriate rates and approved providers,” he said. “If you want to be an approved provider, send my Roof Czar a check…I mean an application. And now, back to lecturing Iran.”

                Robbie called me the next day. “Forget the appointment; I’m unapproved. My competitor CronyGreen gave a bigger…I mean more comprehensive…application.”

                So I called CronyGreen Roofs, and they happily took my information, then told me the waiting list was 4 ½ years long. Unless I wanted to make a special application. I didn’t, and called the new National Roof Corps, but their list was 23 years long. “We’re faith-based:  pray it doesn’t rain.”

                Next day Robbie drove by. “Want a new roof?” he asked. “I’m under the table now, just take cash.” He quoted a price, 30% higher than he had originally. We nailed down the deal.

“Boy, I’m glad we have a national roof policy, or think how bad things would be!”

                “Only now it’s more expensive and we both have to break the law,” I said. “Hope no one tells the Roof Czar.”

                “No one’s seen the Roof Czar in weeks,” said Robbie. “How come?,” I asked.

 “I hear he came down with the shingles.”

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