Priceless
I walked into my regular store the other day. There was sign at the front “NO PRICE TAGS.”
“No price tags?” I asked the clerk. Nope, she said.
“Everything’s free?”
“Nope,” she said. “Just no price tags.”
So I walked in and found a hammer. I looked, and sure enough: no price tag. “So how much is it?” I asked the clerk. “You’ll find out at the checkout,” She shrugged.
How Can I Decide...?
“What if I can’t afford it? How can I decide whether to buy it?”
“You want a basis for your decision? Okay:” She looked at me. “How about this: You need it, you want it. Not reason enough? Okay. Here: listen to a representative of the manufacturer.”
A guy in a suit stepped up. “I represent the Association of Hammer Makers, and my client needs you to buy that hammer. So buy it.”
Another guy came over: “My union guys have families who need to eat, so we need you to buy that hammer.”
“But without a price tag, I don’t know how much it costs.”
I Have A Study!!
“Listen,” said another woman who came up. “I have a study!!! It says that that hammer will save you a billion dollars! So buy it, already.”
Another woman walked over. “Look!!! I’ve brought members of my association here, and they are all wearing same-color T Shirts!!! And not just same-color T-shirts, but same color T-shirts with fake kid writing that looks like it was scrawled by children but was really made by a guy with Masters in Graphic Design. Okay, T-shirt People!!! What do you say?”
“BUY THAT HAMMER!” they shouted in unison.
“There, said the clerk. “What more do you need to make your decision?”
“The price!” I said.
I Have Another Study!!
The Study Lady reached in her briefcase. “I have a second study!!! It says buying that hammer will create 14,768 jobs!! Do you want to kill the jobs or buy the hammer?”
“WE HAVE A PETITION!” shouted the T-shirt people. “SIGNED BY SENIORS!”
“Here’s another study,” said the Study Lady. “This one’s on CD.”
“All I want is a price tag,” I said.” I only have so much money, for stuff I really need.”
Spend the Money Because I Say So.
“You need the hammer!” said the clerk.
“There’s a fourth study on our website, www.studies.com,” said the Study Lady.
“You need to buy the hammer because we need you to buy the hammer,” said the Advocate.
And Here's the Media!!!
“Hey!” a guy rushed up. “I’m from the Media. Why do you want to kill children”
“Huh?” I blinked.
“Not buying the hammer will kill children. And old people. And dogs. So we’re running an editorial demanding you buy the hammer. Of course,” he scribbled in his pad, “if you do, we’ll call you a dum-dum stupid-head for buying it.”
“BUY THE HAMMER, NOT THE SLAMMER,” chanted the T-Shirt people.
“Okay, you win” I said and took the hammer over to the checkout. The clerk ran it through. The price came up. Fifty cents.
Subsidies!!! And They Cause...?
“Fifty cents!” I asked.
“Yep, Federal subsidies on this hammer. Its price controlled due to ObamaHardwareCare.”
“Fine,” I said, “I’ll take 500 more.”
“Sorry,” said the clerk. “We’re out.”
I took a very deep breath and counted to ten. “Well, at least I have this one, which I’ll use to smack everybody upside the noggin, starting with you.” I picked up the hammer, swung it at the clerk, and the head promptly fell off.
She shrugged. “Now that’s what I call priceless.”
