ALIEN INVASION!!!
Just what America needs: a Space Alien invasion. This is the suggestion of NEW YORK TIMES columnist and Nobel Prize-winning economist Paul Krugman. He figures that an interplanetary war would stimulate the economy and bring us together. Heck, it worked so well for the Aztecs and Incas.
But the Krugman Doctrine has one small flaw: it’s already happened. Last night I was in my back yard having a cigar, when a medium-sized flying saucer landed next to the hot tub. Out got two little green men. They walked up to me, fiddled with some sort of translator, and one started talking.
Take Us To Your King!
“Greetings, Earthman. Take us to your King.”
I looked at him for a minute. “We don’t have a King.”
Everyone Has A King!
“Everyone has a King,” the second alien said. “Galaxy-wide, where creatures live together, you have some sort of structure. That structure has the legal monopoly on force and compulsion.. It’s called a “sovereignty,” and it’s ruled by a Sovereign—a King.”
“We don’t have a Sovereign. We have a President and Congress.”
“So they’re your King,” said the 1st alien.
“Well, what’s yours?” I asked, stalling for time so the Men in Black could show up.
“We found even the best King made mistakes, or his guys did. So we broke it up into two pieces. There’s the King, and there’s everything else. The King runs some stuff, and leaves the rest alone.”
“So who makes decisions about the everything else?” I asked.
Everyone is King.
“Each one of us does.” The 1st alien said. “Everybody is the King of himself, herself, itself, or ZGGRAGself.”
“Yes,” said the 2nd alien. “Take what we call—in your word—the “economy.” We don’t let the King get into. Everybody has a vote with his YXLDDERS…medium of exchange...you’d call them dollars.”
“At the moment,” I said. “No bets on next week.”
“Every individual uses YXLDDERS to secure what he wants. Who gives individuals the most of what’s wanted gets more YXLDDERS. The others expire and cease. This makes the most happiness for the most of the population.”
“And there is great competition to develop what will secure most YXLDDERS, and so better items appear all the time,” said the 1st Alien.
“Also, our King’s sphere of action is severely limited. Individuals do what they want, so long as they harm no others. The King’s powers are seriously circumscribed, to preserving order and keeping the wicked from stealing the effects and YXLDDERS of others. The King protects our FFHARDBZ.”
FFHARDBZ...or you call it 'Property.'
“You call it “property,” said the 1st alien. “Our true King is every single XRK of us. Who’s yours?”
“Well,” I said “we have the President and Congress, and bureaucrats, and judges…”
The aliens conferred, then turned to me. “So sorry. We have found a barbarian planet.”
“What’s this?” I asked.” War of the Worlds? To take our planetary resources?”
“No, Earthling! We believe in trade. You will make things we want and we will find things for you. For your planetary resources, we will pay you in YXLDDERS, or something else you have a yen for.”
“Don’t put it that way,” I said. “So, guys: what do you call your system?”
“We are Librarians,” they said proudly.
Invasion of the...um...Librarians?
“Librarians?” They nodded. “The Planet of Librarians? You’re ruled by books?”
“Yes!” said both aliens together. “We follow the Declaration of XXDGYMMZ, written by Thomas FFRZZNZN. “The Wealth of Worlds,” by ADAMYXX SCHLX. And “The QUKKALYZZT Papers,” by James MJUQQUAQX. Not to mention the Constitution of the WEEMUNKLIC Ascendancy, who revolted against Imperator GRORGYS the 999th.”
“Please excuse us,” said the 1st Alien. “Our translator is insufficient. Allow me to correct.”
So there you have it. Good news and bad news for Paul Krugman, Barak Obama, and the NEW YORK TIMES. Earth has indeed been invaded by space aliens. From the Planet of… Libertarians.
