THE MOLE IN THE STOVE             

           

Have you ever wondered how come people can’t accomplish basic stuff? Sometimes something seems like a no-brainer, but folks still can’t get it done. The answer is simple: too often it’s not the stuff you want to do that kills you, but all the other stuff you have to do before you can do the stuff you want to do. It’s the mole in the stove.  Say what? Well, it’s like this:

 

Last fall my pal Howie and I went to his cabin to hunt duck. When we got there, we got to work.

 

“I’ll light the fire and you start dinner,” he said.

 

Just that Easy

 

Yup.  So I got out the pan and burgers, and turned on the stove. Before it could heat up, a little arm reached out of the stove and turned off the burner.

 

Right.  I stood there for a minute, then turned it back on. The little arm snaked out again and turned it off.  Okay. I rubbed my eyes. Then I reached out again, and the arm came out again. I moved my hand closer to the switch. The arm came closer. I came closer. So did the arm. I waited. It waited. Finally I shot my hand out, switched on the burner like lightning, but the little arm was quick, switched it off, and disappeared inside the stove.

 

Should be Simple!

 

“How’s dinner coming?” called Howie from the next room. “Burgers should be simple.”

“Not so good.” I said. “The stove keeps switching itself off.”

 

“Highly unlikely,” said Howie. “You have another variable.” I went back in and switched on the burner, and held the switch down. The little arm reached out, grabbed a spatula, smacked my hand, and turned off the stove.

 

So I leaned over, grabbed the switch and hung on. Out of the back left burner hole came the arm, attached to a little body with head. It was a mole! So there was my variable: a mole in the stove.

 

Moles Don't live in Stoves.

 

“How’s dinner coming?” asked Howie from the next room.

 

“Not so good,” I said. “There’s a mole in the stove.”

 

“Highly unlikely,” said Howie.” Moles don’t live in stoves.”

 

“Well, something is undeniably there, and it keeps turning off the stove so I can’t cook dinner.”

 

“Hmm…” said Howie.  “Condition precedent. You can’t do the job you want to do until you solve the other job that’s in your way—which may be tougher than the original objective.“

 

A Condition Precedent!

 

“Indeed. The mole is a condition precedent,” I nodded and went back to the kitchen. “Okay, Mr. Moley,” I said. “Out with you.” First I set out some Rice Krispee Treats for bait, because, face it; who doesn’t love Rice Krispee Treats? I grabbed a big pot lid, got on a chair and stood over the stove, ready to nab the mole. He poked his head out of the back left burner hole, shot back inside, then snaked out the right front burner hole, grabbed the Rice Krispees and disappeared.

 

“The mole is wily,” I said. “Cooking burgers is easy, fixing the condition precedent is hard.” I got the squirter bottle and filled it with vinegar, then held on to the switch. When the mole came out, I shot vinegar at his face. But the mole opened his mouth, took in the vinegar, and spat it back at me in a stream, grinned, then disappeared back down the left rear burner hole.  I went back out.

 

“Conditions precedent are often harder than the original objective,” I said to Howie.

 

“All too true,” he said. “So improvise. Attack the problem with bold and decisive action.”

 

Bold and Decisive Action!

 

“Indeed, yes,” I said, and went out to the car and grabbed the shotgun. Striding boldly and decisively into the kitchen, I turned on the switch. The arm snaked out and I raised the shotgun.

 

WHAM! WHAM! Click, click click. The mole peeked out of the burner hole and thumbed his nose at me. I quickly fed five shells into the gun, he ducked back into the stove. I raised the shotgun again.

 

WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! “Darn! Empty.”

 

The mole popped out, flipped the bird, held up his paw with four digits extended and winked. I grinned back, shook my head, and held up my left hand with five. The mole’s eyes widened, and he made a leap. WHAM! The mole flew forcefully out the window in a fine high trajectory, before landing in the grass, rolling twice, then bounding away, smoke trailing from his smoldering transom.

 

But Solving One Provblem...

 

So that’s the deal with conditions precedent.  Before you get mad at folks for not immediately solving an apparently simple objective, just remember: there may be a mole in the stove. And while you’re at it, keep one other thing in mind: solving one condition precedent often leads to another.

“So how’s dinner?” asked Howie. “Did you get rid of the mole?”

“The mole is gone, but dinner must wait,” I shrugged. “Unfortunately, I also killed the stove.”

               

 

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