World Ends! Budget Crisis Averted!              

           

FROM ASSOCIATED PRESS: “A loosely organized Christian movement has spread the word around the globe that Jesus Christ will return to earth to gather the faithful into heaven at 6 p.m. local time Saturday.”

FIVE DAYS AGO: 

 

We were sitting around trying to reconcile budget targets.

“It’s these updated revenue numbers,” said Carstairs. “Everyone thinks we have lots of new money, so they can go back to spending and avoid any reform.”

“That’s right!” said Jimmy from Fiscal. “And the thing is, it’s not that much money. Between all the agencies that want the money, all the legislators with wish lists, not mention the K-12 School People...”

“Plus the actuarial liabilities,” said Carstairs. “We have to start saving now!”

“No we don’t,” I said. The other two turned to me. “We don’t have to.”

“You have a plan to meet out growing debt service?” asked Jimmy from Fiscal.

“No.” I said. “We don’t have to. Because the world’s going to end on Saturday.”

Carstairs and Jimmy looked at me.

“Here.” I slid the IPhone over. “It’s off AP. The world is going to end on Saturday. This broadens our budgetary options.”

“You mean...?” Carstairs handed the phone to Jimmy.

“That’s right. We can spend like there’s no tomorrow. Because there won’t be.”

“Well, it’s off Associated Press,” mused Jimmy.

“So build this into our assumptions. Consider it a new accounting standard: Rule...ah... Rule 44: The World’s Going To End On Saturday rule. Our May Revenue Estimate Conference projections were incomplete. They failed to factor in the impending end of time.”

“This has major policy implications,” said Carstairs. “If we assume the world’s going to end on Saturday, we won’t have to worry about anything We don’t have to reform retirement costs or meet budget targets because... the world’s going to end on Saturday.”

 “And we don’t need to encourage future best practices ‘cause there won’t be a future.”

“Ditto for spending. We don’t have to restructure costs because...”

“The worlds going to end on Saturday!”

The office phone rang: “It’s Jim Agnew from the Gov’s office. He says that redirecting money to local harbor projects blows a hole in the 2013 balance.”

“Tell him we’re invoking Rule 44. That’s our new policy: we’re going to spend money like...” I held up the receiver. “How, guys?”

“The world’s going to end on Saturday,” we all said in chorus.

SIX DAYS LATER:

 

 I looked out my office window. The sun was shining. Birds were singing. There were clouds. The phone rang. “Jim Agnew from the Gov’s office. He says the new numbers are totally out of whack.” I glanced at Carstairs. Jimmy from Fiscal shrugged.

I stared at the ceiling for a moment. “Tell him we’re invoking Rule 44.”

“But its Monday,” said Jimmy. “Rule 44 is invalid. Saturday came and went.”

I looked at him. “Rule 44 doesn’t say WHICH Saturday. It could be next Saturday.”

“Besides,” said Carstairs. “Rule 44 is basically what we’ve been doing all along. In the past we’ve adopted so-called “balanced budgets” that defer costs and push all the problems to some unspecified future. We’ve always used some form of Rule 44.”

“But this is different,” I said, indignant. “Our Rule 44 is more responsible.”

“Yeah,” said Jimmy. “At least now we pick a definite day.”

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