CANNED
We were sitting around tailgating before the game, when an African American man rode up on a bike. He was dressed in beat up clothes, on a beat up bike. In the basket, he had lots of old cans.
“I’m Jonah, the Can Man,” he said. “You got any extra cans you don’t want to bother with?”
We did, and we gave them to the guy, who pedaled down the street.
That's A Great Idea! Let's Get the Government Involved!
“That’s a great idea,” said my pal Harve who works for the city. “There’s lots of cans around, Collecting them would be a public service, and would help recycling and keep the streets clean.”
“Let’s do it!” I agreed. So that Monday, Harve and I pitched the idea. The Council thought it was great, and earmarked $5,000 to study the feasibility and start-up requirements.
Next week we were back tailgating, and up rode the guy. “I’m Jonah, the Can Man. Got a whale of deal,” he laughed. “I’ll take your cans off your hands!” He was now riding a shiny new bike.
On Monday, We Unrolled the Study.
That Monday, the city’s Feasibility and Start-Up Study was unrolled, and the City Council gave approval to the No-Can Plan. The referred it to Legal, for review, who got right on it, and by Wednesday, we had the OK, plus compliance requirements. The Public Works Department took the concept, to work up an Implementation Plan, along with a Phase-In Schedule and a preliminary budget.
That Saturday, Jonah the Can Man was pulling a trailer behind his bike, to hold the extra cans.
Come Monday, the City Council approved an appropriation of $150,000 for a city-wide No-Can Plan pick up. There was some trouble with the DPS union, because Can-Picking was technically a Sanitation Worker category, but recycling belonged to the Environmental Stewardship department, a different job schedule entirely. Everyone put their heads together, and came up with a compromise.
No-Can Plan workers would be granted job credit and classification in both sub-categories. Every got a salary bump. An additional appropriation was needed, but everyone was happy—except the Metal Workers, who filed suit in Federal Court.
There was also some difficulty from the Environmental Stewardship Agency, who felt the cans were legally defined as toxic waste, and demanded a mitigation plan, as well as a secure storage space.
Next Saturday, the Bicycle Didn't Come.
Next Saturday, the bicycle didn’t come. Instead there was a small three-wheeled truck. “Jonah the Can Man, got a whale of a deal!”
“Howdy, fellahs,” Jonah leaned out. “Got yer cans?” we did, and he tossed them in back, where another guy sorted them. Jonah fooled around with a small hand calculator, then gave us back fifty cents. “That’s your good-customer rebate.”
On Monday night, the DPS was ready to roll. Union issues were ironed out, Legal said the lawsuit was proceeding, the city had a line on some trucks, Environmental said they were satisfied with progress toward compliance. But then the community groups stood up.
“We protest this Phase-In Plan,” said one lady. “Our neighborhood doesn’t go online until Phase 4. It’s unjust, discriminatory, and racist.”
“Why racist?” The Mayor scratched his head. “You’re Irish.”
“Why not?” said the lady.
So the Phase-In Plan was scrapped in favor of a Full Rollout. The No-Can Plan went back for Admin to re-do the numbers. On Saturday, the truck drove up. There was a young guy behind the wheel.
“ Jonah?” said the kid. “You mean Mr. Jonah? He’s back at the garage, breaking in the new dispatcher. Uh oh! There’s that Caleb Can guy. We’ll match any deal he offers!”
On Monday, the Final Vote!
On Monday, the Council had the final vote on the No-Can Plan. Projected cost: $300K in start-up costs, $250K per year in operations. I arrived late.
“How’d the vote go,” I asked Harve. He shook his head.
“Too expensive. With all the costs, regulations, labor, environmental, union, mandates, it’s just beyond us. But there’s good news! With the government costs so high, it made sense to privatize.”
“What?”
“We put it out to bid, awarded the contract to Jonah the Can Man Inc., and it’ll only cost the city $200 grand per year.”
